


of guitar, music, and a walk to memory lane

by aestraeaLuna (quarantinedChef)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Ex-Boyfriends, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Musician Park Chanyeol, Song - Freeform, chanchen?, chandae, this is kinda sad, yeoldae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26404909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quarantinedChef/pseuds/aestraeaLuna
Summary: Jongdae found himself in a bar. His ex fiance is playing. Ripping all those memories he thought he had buried already.
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 16
Kudos: 33
Collections: Lil' Something Fest 2020





	of guitar, music, and a walk to memory lane

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So this is my first time to join a ficfest. I hope you enjoy this one. Thank you to all who organized this mini fic fest for our dear Jongdae. 
> 
> also thank you to @YlXlNGPRINT for helping me. ily <3

  
_Strumming my pain with his fingers_  
_Singing my life with his songs_

Jongdae, couldn't believe his luck, or lack of there of, when the bar that he decided to check will be the same bar his ex fiance is playing. But he stood there, far from the crowd, just a lonely wallflower, mesmerized and yes, still at awe with how he plays. The way he closes his eyes as he sings, the way his deft fingers play that guitar. There's this peace and happiness on his face whenever he sings, whenever he is front of a crowd, wooing them through songs. Sometimes, Jongdae wishes he saw it before asking him to let go of performing. Sometimes, he questions himself, how could he be so unfair with the very person that spent his life showing him his intentions, his dedications, his love through songs. He thought that it was useless, he was so caught up with the idea of the future that he forgot that it is the now, the present that he should be spending his life with, not worrying about what will happen to the both of them once they decided to tie the knot. He was foolish. He was childish.

_Killing me softly with his song_  
_Killing me softly with his song_  
_telling my whole life_  
_with his words_

Jongdae watched as the man he thought he'll be spending the life with took the water bottle to drink, the way his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallow. He watched, unnoticed, how his dimpled face smiled at the crowd. How he charmingly fills up the lack of music by telling him how he still remember his past lover. How he sometimes wishes to have the courage to ask for another chance. Jongdae gasped, he never thought he'll hear him say his name again. He never thought he would hear him say he wants him back. After all the painful words he has spoken out of frustrations and yes, jealousy; jealous of his music, of his dedication, of his passion. It was childish of him, looking back how he spend his day sulking and wanting Chanyeol to try to find a decent job, his own words; a decent job to help him, to help them, be the perfect adults Jongdae wants them to be. He was indeed foolish. He was really childish.

  
_I heard he sang a good song_  
_I heard he had a syle_  
_And so I came to see him_  
_to listen for a while_

  
He met Chanyeol through their common friend, Kyungsoo. He has never seen anybody as lively and as loud as he is. They are two peas in a pod. It didn't take long for them to complete each other's sentences, or for them to understand how the other feels like without having to say any word. It didn't take long for Chanyeol to be part of his daily life, that Kyungsoo was starting to tease them that they should just save money and take one room together, since we are spending way too much time already. It started as a joke, a jest with how comfortable we are, that we didn't even bother to talk about ourselves. We continued being friends, until the last year in Uni, but by then we are already sharing an apartment. We were comfortable. We were happy. Cliche as it seems, but it all started with a simple hello and a dimpled smile.

  
_And there he was this young boy,_  
_a stranger to my eyes_

  
When we told our friends we are officially a couple, we were greeted with a bunch of "finally!", " took you guys long enough!" but on top of the teasing, everybody's just happy that we finally had our heads out of our asses. It was so so good. Having them knowing before us, and telling us that we kind of wasted time being friends before telling we love each other. It wasn't the case for us, we felt that it was just the right moment. When we stupidly prepared something without the other knowing that it's the same day we will be confessing. We had a good laugh, how Chanyeol said something about he was thinking of confessing the day before but got cold feet when he saw me struggling with something on my laptop. I laughed. I told him it was really a struggle since I cannot really decide how to confess. We shared another laugh. We had our first kiss. People use to say magical when they describe their first kiss with the one they love, I thought it was all pure bullshit, but with Chanyeol, it was indeed magical. I didn't share them with our friends of course, but I told Chanyeol how I felt. He had this gummy smile that I haven't seen for a while and he told me, I was making his heart swell. It was magic. 

  
_Strumming my pain with his fingers_  
_Singing my life with his words_

  
I took another sip of my drink. It was bitter, reminding me of what I have lost because of my so called ambition. It was stupid, really. It was as if the time we had spent didn't mean anything. It was like I jumped on the ship of that relationship because we were so good together, so when there were some threats of scary waves, I felt suffocated and scared. I didn't understand how he can be so calm amid all those bills. I never asked him. I was stupid. I nagged and nagged about him not working. But now, I remember not having to work overtime, because bills suddenly was being taken cared of. I didn't ask. I didn't even bother to utter a simple thank you. I fought with him whenever I had a chance, he didn't speak. Not even once, when I accused him of being irresponsible not even when I said he don't love me enough to even compromise. I kept on asking if he really loved me, or the songs that he said he wrote for me was just a way to deceive me. I questioned his passion, the time he spend on these instruments, I question everything. Until I got fed up on his silence that I asked him to choose between me and his music. It was stupid. I was stupid. I was childish.

  
_Killing me softly with his song_  
_killing me softly with his song_  
_telling my whole life with his words_  
_killing me softly with his song_

  
That was the first time I saw him shed a tear. He apologized. He fucking said sorry if he disappointed me. I felt numb. I was so angry. The moment he said sorry was the moment I knew I can never be able to look into his eyes again without thinking and feeling I was always second. I didn't hear his explanations, didn't really bother to listen. I told him I was going out and hoped that him and the rest of his beloved instruments will be gone when I come back. It took me five hours to finally had the courage to go back to our shared apartment. I cannot deny that I was still hoping to see him when I get back. I was hoping that I'll see him pacing in our living room waiting for me. But that was just me trying to be positive that I'll see the empty spare room. That he'll choose me over his stupid music. Funny. Cause the first thing I learned about him was he is so much into music, creating them. I remembered entering our bedroom and seeing the framed music sheet of his first song about how he felt about me. I remembered crying, knowing I lost him completely. The very person who asked me to sing his compositions cause he said my voice fit his songs really well. I remember him waking up in the middle of the night because he just thought of some lyrics and he felt he needed to write them down, afraid he might forget them the next day. I remember him singing everything he want to tell me. The way his voice calms me whenever I feel so exhausted and down due to work related stress. I remember him smiling so brightly talking about the owner of the club he is playing told him his songs are beautiful. He is beautiful. The softness of his heart is in direct contrast to his gigantic form. He was my gentle giant. He was mine. But I was so selfish and childish to realize that then.

  
_I felt all flushed with fever,_  
_embarrassed by the crowd_  
_I felt he found my letters_  
_and read each one out loud_

  
Chanyeol is singing the first song he gave me on our 100th day. His eyes are closed and just immersed to the music. I see a couple of people dancing slowly with their partners and if that isn't the most painful thing to see, I don't really know anymore. I sing along, surprised that I still know the lyrics, I am in pain. I miss him so much. I miss how his voice is the first thing that wakes me up in the morning. I miss seeing his back on the kitchen busying himself for my breakfast. I miss how he always knew how and what to pack for my work, that all I need to do was to eat. He was mine. I let him go. The lyrics with words of forever, of love, of understanding, of being together just keeps on hitting me, accusing me. I feel like the room is closing in on me, I feel like I do not deserve to be on the same space he is. I don't deserve all his love. I don't deserve him. I miss him. I miss us.

  
_I prayed that he would finish_  
_but he just kept right on..._

  
I opened my eyes to see the person look at me. There's kindness, there's something I see in there that I do not expect to see. That is the same look he gave me everyday that we are together. That is the same smile he gave me whenever I came home at night. That is the same glint of happiness in his eyes that welcomes me as I settle on our couch. That is the look of love, and he is looking at me. He is looking at me. I smiled. He smiled. The song finished. He excused himself to the crowd and walk towards me. Do I still deserve his love? It doesn't matter anymore. All I know is that my source of sunshine is walking towards my direction, his smile is enough to wipe these tears away, cause I know I will do everything to have my gentle giant, my sunshine back again.


End file.
